Turning Things Around: The Inner Tarot Revolution Week 19
Taking A Break
This week’s chapter of Turning Things Around is likely to be a bit shorter than my typical entries. In part, this is because the respective entries for the cards in Understanding Aleister Crowley's Thoth Tarot are themselves rather brief. In part, it’s because of the meanings of the cards in question, how they align here, and also how they align with my own unfolding story. In fact, the concept of narrative and its overall place on my own magic(k)al and spiritual path will be the central theme this week. Lastly, I feel like taking a more free-form approach to this post specifically because of how I’ll be examining the concept of narrative; after all, I really have more important things to do at the moment than to spend so much energy today puffing the magic(k)al narrative up.
Where am I in my story right now? I have a fair few different ”plot threads," as I have referred to them, going here at Dark Twins. All of them run through the course of my life and the lives of others, but from my own perspective, they’re all the same story…it’s just a pretty complicated one. However, at the most basic level, this is where I’m at: Tonight at around 1:00am local time (it will technically be Thursday), I’ll be picking Veronica up at Midway airport, we’ll be spending the next few days getting many affairs in order, and then on Saturday (June 17th; the anniversary of the day we “went exclusive” and I told Veronica I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like her, back in 2018), we’ll be leaving for Texas down Route 66. So I will be spending most of my day today packing to move to our new home about 30 miles outside of Houston.
Now, from my own point of view, all of the “plot threads” I talked about above are converging here. On one level, for example, Veronica is the physical manifestation of Rose, a spirit guide I have known for many years; that’s an interesting story (see Imperfect Love, Imperfect Trust), and one that both of us accept and regard as being true, insofar as we each understand what’s going on there. This comes with all sorts of heavy implications for me (fewer for her, though she is not exactly “burdenless”). On a more grandiose and mythic level, V and I are each the physical manifestations of Erowen and Sarsha, which is yet another layer of narrative to keep track of, and yet another one that both Veronica and I have woven into our lives. We are each much quieter about this layer than about others, but I know she perceives it herself in her own ways, and she’s done a lot to contribute to my unfolding understanding of the same. That layer is strange, mysterious, and potentially dangerous considering what some of it implies at the moment.
And, of course, there is the entire layer (or set of layers) having to do with magic(k)al Aeons, the Grade of Magus, and my “Word,” which I was rather explicit about in last week’s entry of this series; all of that is, regrettably, attached in deep ways to an ongoing, global, magic(k)al war, and that shit is very real.
Every now and then (this is going back a few years now, to 2020 or so), Don Webb has left comments on some of my Facebook posts pointing out the fact that Texas is the “Left Hand Path capitol of the world” because so many prominent figures on the Path tend to congregate in a ~250 square-mile radius. It’s funny too, because I’ll be packing my books later today, and I remember another comment he once left telling me how similar my bookshelf looked to his. When Don Webb deigns to leave a comment on your Facebook posts, you pay attention; and when I finally went to Texas the first time, I swear to Gods, I was visited by Set himself, who told me he had work for me to do there. Writing work. I am sitting on a manuscript which has made a few rounds, and fits into this picture somewhere. All of that is far beyond magic(k)al whimsy. That is all very, very real.
In order to accompany Veronica on the move we’re about to make, I’ve had to bring myself to a “balance point” where I take all of the above narratives as seriously as they really can be taken (in other words, I’ve had to make peace with the fact that, in some ways, all of those narratives are a lot more “real” than I had ever dared to imagine, and there are some spectacular things I can potentially do with all of that) while simultaneously being ready, willing, and able to detach from them for the sake of living our lives together, V and I. You know, enjoying that shit. Living for ourselves, for our own fulfillment and happiness. We can’t forget that part.
At times like this, it can be eminently centering, grounding, and humbling to come back to the foundation stone of Xeper and to remember that truly, all else is optional:
Your life is not a test. Your Work is not something you are doing in the hopes of qualifying for Immortality. Your existence, and its attendant pleasures and pains, are from the vantage point of the Eternal Word of the Aeon of Set, a means by which you can become more self-aware. By making Xeper the fundamental value that frames your entire life, by casting off the mistaken notion that “This is a Test,” you are capable of diving deeply into the experience of being alive and being willing to embrace whatever must arise as a result of your full engagement with the Real.
From Orienting via Xeper
Next to this, all of the narratives and stories above are, it must be admitted, just an elaborate way for me to try and keep my life under control on all of the many levels where I perceive activity. Isn’t that all anyone really wants in the end, regardless of what form it eventually takes? All anyone really wants is to be themselves and to live a life on this planet that allows us to express the best of who we are, to bring forth the very best within us into manifestation, to share our gifts with the world and the others inhabiting it who might also be receptive to them.
So we need these narratives, these stories that we tell ourselves; in some ways, they are the essence of our lives here on Earth. It’s just very important, every once in a while, to be reminded of the difference between the narrative and objective reality. To work on certain levels requires striking that very delicate balance where we can center the narrative when appropriate, but remember at all times that at the end of the day, a story is all it is.
The problem, for some magicians, is rightly distinguishing the two as the rabbit hole of relationship with the Universe deepens; there comes a point where the narrative becomes so powerful a force in shaping our way of perceiving things that we need to tread carefully to ensure we know what we’re really following at any given moment.
Let’s do cards.
Top/Sun Card
I’m chuckling at myself to be seeing this card turn up the very week after I alluded to the big magic(k)al war I’ve stepped into the middle of in my work! Speaking of narratives, The Rainbow Flame is a fairly consequential one that I’ve kicked off here at Dark Twins, and having now done so, I cannot responsibly just walk away from it. I don’t get to make the kind of declarations I made in writing about The Rainbow Flame and then pretend it never happened. I’ve tried, but it never sat right in my heart.
I wasn’t fully confident, when I helped to bring forth The Rainbow Flame (it wasn’t just me, others were involved at least narratively), in the “rightness” of the narrative. I don’t really feel “worthy” to bear that flame because I don’t think I’m a good enough person, or the right person. However, it’s been done; I’ve made the statement, I’ve begun telling the story, and I have reason to believe some people are listening. There’s a level of responsibility that needs to be taken for what I have started; if I turn back now, it’s not just myself I’m hurting. I now run the risk of damaging the basic fabric of the occult “narrative of flames", of detracting from the credibility of everyone else who has ever derived their authority from such Spiritual Fire. I also run the risk of disappointing anyone who dared to believe in me.
This becomes an inflection point for the very energy being illustrated and expressed here in this card, the Two of Swords. Its title here, “Peace,” is suggested by the equilibrium of one sword balanced against another. This connects deeply with the situation I described above in that the suit of Swords is the suit of Air, the intellect, of rationality and logic, of cool, blue reason; of all of the “pip cards” (Minor Arcana cards) in this suit, the Two of Swords is among the only ones that feel even slightly merciful. Swords are instruments of war, made to cut and pierce! Is it not fitting, then, that they also represent the principle of words, whereby we communicate our wills to one another? It has often been said that the pen is mightier even than the sword.
Here, in the counterbalance of one sword versus another, we have the symbolic illustration of critical thinking, of leveraging the power of thought against thought. This is a way of stressing the importance of evaluating our ideas, of submitting our own thoughts and concepts to the incisive process of analysis in the light of other ideas; and in this, we have the implication that peace can often be found by letting go. To submit one’s cherished ideas to critical evaluation is to surrender the self; in keeping with the suit of swords, it is a making of that healthy severance between oneself and one’s ideas, even if we’re talking about our “brainchild.”
The Rainbow Flame was the result of a strange series of events that seemed connected, but may not be. I am still not sure if I am going to tell the origin story, owing to the fact that I may be perceiving connections in its unfoldment that don’t really hold water. Strangely enough, those perceived connections persist even to the present day, to the extent that I suspect the involvement of another person who may or may not have any idea what the fuck I’m talking about here.
Clearly, the need for discernment here is great. The Two of Swords delivers.
Because of the duality of the card, one of the other main meanings or implications, when the card comes up in a reading, is the idea of decisions. The Two of Swords often comes up to highlight a “crossroads” of sorts for the querent, where some distance is needed to conduct the sound evaluation needed to make the right decision between two courses of action.
For me, one decision point highlighted by the card has been this: How seriously should I take The Rainbow Flame? Was it a mere momentary flight of fancy, or is it something I should connect with more deeply?
The appearance of this card at this present time, as I prepare to move, is heartening. It is giving me the permission I need to take some much-needed time to myself to think about things. As such, I am announcing a break or hiatus: Yeah, I’ve been writing a lot about it, almost since I started this Substack, but given all that has been in development here at Dark Twins, I do need some time to myself to “recalibrate,” to get back to basics, and to develop a new routine.
It’s interesting to me that this card comes up when it does, just as I am preparing to make my big move, and that it is Week 19: Those who have been following this series from the very beginning know that the number 19 made itself apparent the very day I started this series; for several weeks, I have been considering the possibility of putting Dark Twins on hiatus to focus on other things, but I have also been in a strange '“limbo period” of sorts where it’s been impossible to root firmly in my life to come (ever since V got her job offer and left me here in Illinois to work my shit out) because that life has still been taking shape.
Now that life has a new home, and it is time for me to retreat, take some time for myself, and focus on basics. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, wondering at a nice, even “division point” to break this series. Even in How to Become A Modern Magus, Don Webb planned time in between the sections for one-week breaks; so now is the time.
From Lon Milo DuQuette regarding this card:
In the case of the Two of Swords, Peace, it seems we’ve dodged a bullet. We must always remember, however, that for the sharp and dangerous sword, peace is just an uncharacteristic and temporary interruption from war.
p. 241
Top Shadow Card
This card makes a great complement to the Two of Swords. The swords highlight reason, rationality, and the intellect, and the Two is very early in the unfolding progression of the Minor Arcana; by contrast, the Cups represent emotion, sentiment, and spiritual influence, and the 10 of Cups is simply full of it. As DuQuette says of this card in his chapter about it, our “cup runneth over” here.
Given the urgings of the Two of Swords for me to settle down now, take a break from all this woo-woo spiritual narrative, and center myself in a new, basic, routine, the appearance of this card as its complement and this week’s Shadow card makes a lot of sense. I also find it interesting how close together the entries for these two cards are in DuQuette’s book; the 10 of Cups is covered on the very page before the Two of Swords, with one leading right into the other….which fits right into the narrative this week. Neat, huh?
The traditional 10 of Cups is very happily-received by most querents, and funnily enough, it happens to highlight the very thing that the Two of Swords is asking me to focus on this week: Home and family life.
However, the Qabalistically-informed interpretation of this card that comes to us from DuQuette paints a picture of the very thing I need to anchor myself against as I focus on my home and family life:
Spiritual intoxication.
It would likely be the opinion of many occultists that some of the ideas I have introduced and professed to be working with here at Dark Twins are common subjects of spiritual folly. I talk in all seriousness about being here for the Apocalypse, for example. I personally know to take my ideas with a grain of salt, and I know exactly which grain to use, too; my readers may not, and I appreciate that. I am getting lost in currents of consequence that shape the magic(k)al landscape of this planet while having neglected the basic details of my day-to-day life; and while that has been acceptable to me, situationally, because of the arrangement I have with Veronica, it is neither magic(k)ally optimal nor the kind of scenario most public-facing authors about occultism would want to emphasize. I need to get my life in order.
It’s interesting that the title of this card is “Satiety,” which, along with DuQuette’s commentary, suggests spiritual “fullness,” because as I recall from my time in Norway, the Norwegian word for “drunk” is “full.”
The state depicted by this card is very much a state of spiritual “drunkenness,” very unbalanced in its “fullness” of spirit, to the point of illustrating potential flights of fancy. However, this card would not be occupying a place in the Minor Arcana if it were not also, at times, a desirable spiritual state. There is something of substance filling these cups, even if it wouldn’t necessarily stand up to the scrutiny of the Two of Swords. Somehow, we need to find a balance.
I’ll offer an example: My Facebook page, Gogo Bordello’s Airship of Fools. I originally started that page to support the site, Gogo’s World of Ruin, just before shifting gears and starting this Substack instead. In fact, that page is where The Rainbow Flame made its initial debut, and the story behind that is ambiguous in many of the same ways as the more general story behind the Airship’s founding. You see, I had conceptualized that page as the Facebook “base” for my magic(k)al personality, Gogo Bordello. However, I later decided it was too…”involved.” In the day leading up to the shooting down of the Chinese spy balloon over the U.S. back in February, I found my page “grounded” by a restriction from Facebook, so decided to “shoot it down,” or in other words, to unpublish the page.
I had billed the page, per its Facebook description, as a “Resource Center for Liars, Cheats, and Easter Egg Hunters.” Veronica really liked that idea and thought it was cute even though I have shut down that Page at least 3 times since then.
Here’s where it gets interesting: I mentioned last week that V works for a law firm. She manages seven teams there. I’ve said that V can read a lot of the synchronicities that I can and that she plays along with them, right? Well, over the past few months, when she’s been visiting here and working from home, she’s done me a favor and left the door open when she’s been in the other room attending Zoom meetings for work and such.
Many of her conversations with colleagues have centered around the firm’s “Resource Center” for certain employees, in ways that have very often lined up in odd ways with posting activity at my own “Resource Center;” she’d be sitting in the other room having conferences about her own Resource Center that, if you were sitting in my seat here and thinking about all of the connotations I had been writing about at Dark Twins, sounded like she might actually be having a full-fledged conversation—in code—about my page and my work. If you sat where I am sitting and listened with my ears, it was nuts how it all lined up; and V saw it, too. She was feeding me all of that info secondhand, with a nudge and a wink, to show me that there is something to all of this.
But it is not as it seems; these things line up so closely sometimes that I have wondered if V’s colleagues are fully familiar with my work, and if this is all part of some kind of…conspiracy?
Well…yes and no. Yes and no.
I look forward to telling some stories, to bringing some of my ongoing “plot threads” into mutual resolutions, to fleshing out more details of these Mysteries for my readers…
…but first, I need a break.